This was 'rock bottom'

In 2018 I hit rock bottom. I was sporadically passing out and losing complete control of my body. I would silently sob while laying on the floor, feeling my heart beat so fast I couldn't speak, it happened at our church once and I was mortified. I was helping to run an activity for teenagers and suddenly my hearing went fuzzy, my eyes filled with tears and I found myself gripping onto the stage I was leaning against. I couldn't even turn my head. One of the girls tried to talk to me, she asked if I was ok but I was frozen. They lay me down on the floor and I waited. It felt like forever but all I could do was wait. I felt weak and vulnerable. This was not ok, I had to be in control to feel safe and I was not feeling safe. I ended up in hospital, I knew the physical checks they did would come back all clear, it was my heart than needed healing. This was the wake up call I needed... I had to stop running.

  Previous to this, the picture here was me and   my daughter at her baptism, we had family staying and I could feel anxiety and panic rising. I suppressed it, ignored it, pushed it   away but it overloaded any way and I passed   out. I was so embarrassed but as best as I   could, I hid it from everyone only the people   who saw it   knew and   to everyone else, I   carried on and pretended  that nothing had     happened. This wasn't the first or the last time it had happened. 

One session of RTT had a huge impact on me, it was like a light had be shone right over my head and I could see the sun through a long period of only seeing clouds. This was the beginning of the journey back to myself. I'm still on that journey but in a very different place. I didn't want to secret eat anymore. I didn't want to compulsively spend like money grew on trees. I did want to feel like I was on an out of control emotional rollercoaster. I began to reach out. 

2 years ago, we went to see an African Children's Choir called Watoto, I sat feel immeasurably loved by God but so confused as to why he would love me. I remember the Choir finishing and I felt immediate desperation to reach out, I didn't want to feel like this any more. My friend had accompanied us (another activity for the teenagers in our church) and while everyone was leaving the hall, I asked if I could speak to her. I told her that I kept fantasising about crashing my car or driving off a bridge. Saying it now seems absurd but back then it was very real, I can recognise that I didn't really want to die, I just didn't want to live in this reality either. The weeks following this, having said those things out loud to another person, I knew I had to change my reality. I started to see that I could create what I so desperately wanted to feel. Yes I had experiences out of my control but that doesn't mean I am subject to their natural consequence. In this lies the power. Truth is, we can not control what other people say or do and a million other things BUT we have absolute power over our thoughts and with the right help, with patience and forgiveness we can learn to use those for our good and nourishment.

I finally understood that I indeed am good enough and lovable and that my worth isn't defined by someone else's opinion of me. I surround myself with positive quotes, high vibe music and make sure I affirm myself every day. I no longer have suicidal thoughts, if I start to feel anxious I now have the tools to nip it in the bud and I have a firm belief that I am enough.

2 years later, I knew that this therapy was and incredible gift and one I wanted to be able to share. I finished my training as a Mindfulness Coach in 2019 and knew the time had come to start training as a Rapid Transformation Therapist. I have loved every second of it and am still blown away instant power and ability 1 session of RTT. As with my experience, it allows people to see once again, of their own divine goodness and to start living within that sphere.

I am here writing this blog post because I have felt the despair, the absolute darkness and I want those people who are feeling it too, to know that there is hope. You are not alone, this reality you are living in doesn't have to be the one you stay in. You are loved and a peaceful heart is absolutely available to you.

Read more about me here

Forever cheering you on,

Cassie 

Be Better : Expect More